So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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