I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
