just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
