last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
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Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.