Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me