You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
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No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
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Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza