im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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