I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize