i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
