Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
