I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
