Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
