how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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