You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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