I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
