I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
