smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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