pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
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Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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