Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
