so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
