i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
