it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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