I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize