May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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