wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
