is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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