I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
