god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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