remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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