He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
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Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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