cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize