If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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