Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
