Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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