i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
