I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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