hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
