I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
