Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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