I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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