"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
