I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
