I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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