There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
