I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
tell me about the eggs
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