a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
