Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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