how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
