awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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