i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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