if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
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