We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
