What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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