Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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