I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
