We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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