The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
